So much has changed over the years in the music profession.

Some of you may, like me, remember a time when there were hardly enough brass players to cover all the gigs that were going on in any one evening, and half of those were duff ones (the gigs, of course; not the players). When you told a fixer that you were unavailable for a date, they would say, "Oh, but please!"    Now, sadly, there are far more players than are necessary for the work available (good ones, too) and half of them, it seems, spending a lot of time phoning up and cringing to fixers. Having realised this, fixers, conductors, producers etc. are becoming  increasingly picky about what they expect from musicians.    Twenty years ago, I could get through a whole recording session without using dynamics. If the guys in the box were silly enough to ask for something quieter, you just put your mouth near the mike and whispered "If you look at your mixing desk, you'll see a slider or knob with <insert whatever instrument you're playing> written underneath it. Pull it towards you or turn it anti-clockwise." That would usually shut them up. Some engineers would try to get a whole chart or movement in one take "so that it would sound like a performance". This was actually so they wouldn't have to do any real work. When someone buys a recording, they don't want it to sound like a performance, they want it to sound good. That's why punching-in and editing were invented. I always used to carry a pair of cheap scissors and a roll of sellotape, which I would (during the break) place conspicuously in front of where the engineer was sitting. Nowadays, you have to buy a pro. recording magazine, cut out an advert for the latest software, use a marker pen to highlight the bit about its editing features and put that there instead. Alternatively, you can smilingly engage them in conversation during the break, tell them what a marvellous job they're doing and then earnestly ask why digital editing has become so difficult and why your home version of Pro Tools has so many more editing features than their software.

What can be done about Dynamics?

The punters always very quickly get used to what they're hearing and regard that as a norm. It is important, therefore, whether in a rehearsal or a session, to look at what's on the stand, decide what is a reasonable dynamic level, and then begin by playing well above that. First impressions are important. If subsequently they decide that you're playing too loud (which, of course, you are), it's easy to notch the volume down considerably, thus creating the impression that you're a good player. Having established this, you can usually gradually start to increase your volume again without them noticing.

Punctuality

Never arrive late for a gig. If it's a session, get there at least an hour and a half early and put your instrument on the easiest chair. If this is already taken, then be sure to check the music as soon as it's put out. Session orchestrators will sometimes write higher for a second chair than for a third chair. Bruckner's first job was as a session orchestrator. Even if it's a rehearsal, you can probably grab an easier chair if you're there early. It's possible that the seating hasn't been allocated, but if it has, you can still say something like "Look, I hope you don't mind, but my two year old child hit me in the mouth with a tent-peg just before I left for work.". If you have a two year old child, this will probably be true. If you don't, still use the same excuse. Musicians breed at such an alarming rate that no one can remember how many children they've got, and they themselves, spending so much time on tour, are sometimes not sure. Can you name any of your colleagues' children? Of course not.

Always try to look as though you know what you're doing and as though you are actually interested in the heap of dross on the stand in front of you and as though you have respect for the conductor and you like the fixer. Such are their egos, that most fixers will actually beleive this. Practise smiling into a mirror. Never try to be a hero. There will undoubtedly be better players than you on the date, so try to "hide behind them" when things get difficult. If you think you may have had too much to drink, never answer the conductor (or anyone else) verbally, but always just nod your head (with eye contact and a smile) and give a thumbs-up sign. This is quite easy as long as you don't have to stand up. It will amaze you when you realise how many other people on the session are following the same advice, and are, therefore, probably as drunk as you are.