Justin writes: Dear Duffchops, I'm a horn player having accuracy problems at the moment and am wondering if my duff chops will get me through a concert next Thursday, although I'm just bumping up and only in the Rite of Spring. Yours, Justin Secknarf. Old Duffer replies: Dear Justin, It sounds to me as though you're just in the second half, so endurance shouldn't be too much of a problem. Do lots of no-pressure practice with long notes. Take plenty of vitamins, eat as much oily fish as you can and drink plenty of water (bottled, not tap). Remember, too, that it's part of the job description of an assistant principal to provide entertainment for the rest of the section and to boost their egos when, not having had a chance to really get into your stride, you see the first horn put his instrument down just before the bit you find hardest to play. Never look shamefaced after the concert, but look everyone in the eye and smile. If you can convince them that you think you played well, then they will believe that, in spite of what they think they heard, you did. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Gunter Writes: Dear Duffchops, I am a horn player and am worried about a concert which is coming up and in which I'm supposed to be playing principal horn. The programme includes the Ravel Pavane, the Nocturne from 'A Midsummer Night's Dream', 'See The Conquering Hero Comes' from Judas Maccabeus, Brandenburg I, the entire Pulcinella Suite and Haydn Symphony no. 51. Would it be cowardly of me to get out of the date? Sincerely, Gunter Zenderdepp. Old Duffer replies: Dear Gunter, Sounds to me like you're thinking of sending a dep.?  Do lots of no-pressure practice with long notes. Take plenty of vitamins, eat as much oily fish as you can and drink plenty of water (bottled, not tap). The Pavane isn't too hard once you get going and the Nocturne is just as loud a blow as you want it to be, so don't worry about those. As for Judus Maccabeus, well, it' only a top 'D' and loads of people miss it anyway. Brandenburg I isn't exactly off the instrument and Pulcinella's quite fun, and then there's the Haydn. Yeah, send a dep. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Ivor Writes: Dear Duffchops, I have a friend/rival in the profession who always makes me feel inadequate. I am a pretty good player and I feel that I put a lot of musicianship, expression and sensitivity into my playing, although I  do occasionally "fluff" a note. My colleague, on the other hand, is a very strong player and never seems to split a note, although his expressive range is rather limited and his dynamic never wanders below a very healthy mezzo forte. Which of us, do you think, is the better player? Yours, Ivor Ninclin. Old Duffer replies: Dear Ivor, I've an inkling that you're confusing musicianship with being a professional musician.  There is no place in the concert hall for musicianship and sensitivity. Accuracy and strength are all that's required. Do lots of no-pressure practice with long notes. Take plenty of vitamins, eat as much oily fish as you can and drink plenty of water (bottled, not tap). I gather that you sometimes 'fluff' a note.  If you can train yourself to eliminate all expression, dynamics, tone quality and intonation from your playing, you will find that, relieved of these constraints, you will no longer have problems with accuracy. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Annette Writes: Dear Duffhops, This is not exactly a request for advice, but more a query about the content of your site. My husband and I are farmers in France and we both play with the local Cors De Chasse ensemble and so know something about what you call "chops". We both find that some of the material  on your site seems to be misleading, not to say inaccurate, and some of it is rather mystifying. Is there, as foreign readers, some point we are missing? Oh, and can I be in your film, please? I am French, after all.   Sincerely, Annette De Tractor. Old Duffer replies: Dear Annette, We at Duffchops take great care to check the content of our site to ensure relevance and accuracy, and people rarely detract from what we put on the Net. The problem may be that your browser is not DuffChops compatible. Try upgrading to "Duffscape" or "Duffchops Explorer", which should sort things out, then do lots of no-pressure practice with long notes. Take plenty of vitamins, eat as much oily fish as you can and drink plenty of water (bottled, not tap). Oh, and possibly. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Seamus Writes: Dear Duffchops, My favourite piece of all is the Schumann Konzertstuck and it is my ambition to perform it playing 1st Horn. Unfortunately, I have never been able to get above top "C" except on especially good days. What should I do? Regards, Seamus O'High. Old Duffer replies: Dear Seamus, Yes, it's a shame it's so high, isn't it? You're by no means the only person to have contacted us with this problem and, indeed, we are shortly to publish our own edition, with orchestral parts, transposed down a 4th so that readers of this site can play it. The finished product will, however, not be cheap, so, if you want to save money, why not hire the original parts and play the solo lines an octave lower. You'll need a good 4th Horn, though. Alternatively, if you want to extend your high register quickly, just follow my advice as given above on practice and diet. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Luther Writes: Dear Duffchops, I've always been told that I use too much pressure, but have always been personally satisfied with my playing. Recently, however, one of my front teeth has begun to move slightly and I'm worried that I might do my embouchure permanent damage if I don't change the way I play. Concerned, Luther Tooth. Old Duffer replies: Dear Luther, I would say that is fairly certain that too much pressure has caused your problem. You may well lose that loosened tooth if you're not careful. Fortunately, the solution to your problem is a simple one. Just do lots of no-pressure practice with long notes. Take plenty of vitamins, eat as much oily fish as you can and drink plenty of water (bottled, not tap). Some people make spring-loaded mouthpieces which cause the air to leak out if you press too much. Duffchops.Com have developed a range of cardboard mouthpieces that simply self-destruct if you press too hard. You'll probably need to buy a few dozen. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Noele Writes: Dear Duffchops, I've recently been appointed assistant principal with a 'prestigious' symphony orchestra, but I just can't seem to get tha hang of 'bumping'. Where I studied, we just had four horns, and the first horn played everything. Now, it seems that whatever I do is wrong. If I don't play, I should have done and if I do play I shouldn't have. What can I do to improve my contribution to the section? Yours, Noele Pataul. Old Duffer replies: Dear Noele, It sounds to me as though you're no help at all to your section principal, but don't worry. It seems as though you have a regular job as assistant principal and therefore can't easily be got rid of. The worst thing you could do would be to 'bump up' too well. If you did, you'd find yourself bumping all the time. As it is, your first horn will probably take every opportunity to get you seated 'down the line' when extras come in and you will find that you get  more interesting parts to play. To complete the strategy, you could consume vast quantities of oily fish with garlic, curries and strong ale, to the extent that no one will want you sitting on their left. Take plenty of vitamins, washed down with bottled water. Don't bother with the no-pressure practice and avoid long notes. __________________________________________________________________________ Mr. Vadenuff Writes: Dear Duffchops, It seems to me that many horn pieces go on for far too long. This is tedious for both the audience (both of them) and the performer. Are there any shortened versions available? Sincerely, I. Vadenuff Old Duffer replies: Dear  Mr. Vadenuff, We at Duffchops.com have been thinking along the same lines and will be producing our own edited versions of standard works which go on for just long enough to keep the audient's attention.  "Duffernelle" is just one example, although critics have suggested that our Konzertsduff is, in fact, a little too short. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Spencer Writes: Dear Duffchops, My doctor says that I may be suffering from "Subsistence Syndrome". Can you tell me exactly what this is? Yours sincerely, Spencer Lott Old Duffer replies: Dear  Spencer, Don't worry, you are not alone. In fact, this is such a frequently asked question that I have put it on the F.A.Q. page. Hope this helps. O.D.

Juslef Writes: Dear Duffchops, Your web site is causing me considerable problems. You and your contributors have somehow made it trendy to have duff chops.  I practise for nine hours every day and have fantastic chops, and yet, when I mix socially with my colleagues, I have to pretend to have duff chops in order to relate to them. I'm very lonely, and would like advice concerning how to bring my chops down to an acceptable level of duffness. Yours sincerely, Juslef College Old Duffer replies: Dear  Juslef, Don't worry about your condition. It affects many people who have just left college. Do lots of high-pressure practice with short notes. Take no vitamins, eat as much fish as you can as long as it's not oily, and drink plenty of water from the tap. An alternative is to try getting a job. Once you've become used to the salary cheque every month you'll stop doing so much practice and become as duff as the rest of us.